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It occurs to me that signing unnecessary and not-very-good strikers was the major theme of this transfer window in addition, of course, to signing washed-up former Premiership stars.

Problem: Marcelo Moreno disappointed for Shakhtar Donetsk and on loan at Werder Bremen. Solution: loan him to the Premiership!

What follows is a brief review of the attackers signed in the Premier League’s January window, with comments.  None of them are major, exciting signings with the possible exceptions of Benjani’s loan to Sunderland, Maxi Rodriguez’s free transfer to Liverpool (yes, I know he’s a winger, bear with me), and Landon Donovan’s loan to Everton.

Rumored deals like Klaas-Jan Huntelaar on loan, Marouane Chamakh, and Ruud van Nistelrooy failed to materialize (although, of course, van Nistelrooy liked the cut of Hamburg’s jib more than West Ham’s).  Note the prevalence of bargains, as well:  the ongoing financial crisis in English football surely affected the market.  The best deal might be Fulham’s loan signing of Roma’s Stefano Okaka, who scored a blinder against Siena in his last game for Roma before moving.

I go through the Premiership’s attacking signings in alphabetical order after the jump.  Note that not all clubs are represented, because not every club is wasting precious wages or transfer fees on strikers who add little to the team.

Arsenal signed unheard-of-even-by-Bolivian-youngsters’-standards Bolivian U20 Samuel Galindo.  I think he’s actually a winger but he must count since Arsene likes to convert wingers to forwards, or just play them there instead of signing actual forwards.

Burnley somewhat inexplicably loaned in David Nugent, not good enough for Portsmouth, and talented-but-just-not-ready Frederic Nimani (Gudjohnsen’s understudy on the Monaco bench)–probably a good investment for the long run but inexplicable as a short-term loan.  The particularly mystifying part of this last is that they loaned out their own young striker Jay Rodriguez to get some first team experience at Barnsley–was all this so that they could still have a young guy on the bench but they won’t be stunting their own youngster’s development by not playing him?

Everton loaned unproven-in-Europe Landycakes, although since he has actual skills and is between 19 and 30 this is a comparatively good move that already seems to be working out.

Fulham loaned Stefano Chukwu Okaka from Roma.  He’s actually quite good it seems.

Hull signed Amr Zaki, which is the mother of all mixed bags as a signing, especially since they already had seven strikers (although they then got rid of Daniel Cousin because he’s terrible).  Just for fun, let’s take a look at their various failings.  Zaki:  the most unprofessional player Steve Bruce has ever met, and he used to play with Paul Ince and manage Robbie Savage.  Altidore:  leaked the deal before it happened via Twitter, leaked that he was late for training via Twitter, apologized via Twitter, and generally needs to just the fuck up.  At least Zaki will make him look professional for once.  Craig Fagan:  great athlete, no talent except for getting punched in the head by Rio Ferdinand.  Caleb Folan:  all of Fagan’s lack of talent with half the athleticism.  Venegoor of Hesselink:  the slowest player I’ve ever seen in the Premiership other than John Terry and that nameless lump of slowness and ego we allow to captain our national team.  Must be his noble blue blood slowing him down.  Ghilas:  one for the future, like Altidore if he gets his act together so he can have a future.

Liverpool brought in Maxi Rodriguez, who makes this list because I’m sure he’ll get his chance up front, since he’s basically the Argentinean Dirk Kuyt, except he gets visibly scared any time a defender looks like he might tackle him ever since he jacked up his knee.  This one could actually be as good as the Landon Donovan deal, and it makes sense.  To their credit, they also somehow persuaded someone to give them money for Andriy Voronin.

Man City bucked the trend by getting rid of four strikers they didn’t particularly need: the worst 18 million pounds ever spent, Jo, to Galatasaray, Benjani on loan to Sunderland, young’n Felipe Caicedo on loan to Malaga, and whiny one-trick-pony Robinho to Santos.

Man United:  the Diouf signing counts since he didn’t turn up in Manchester until the Norwegian season ended, so he didn’t really join till the start of the window even though the deal was agreed in the summer.  Another one for the future, although his displays so far show he might be ready to usurp Michael Owen tomorrow.

Portsmouth loaned in Quincy Obusu-whatever.  His name is Quincy, he was an Arsenal trainee, and he’s one of several young CSKA forwards loaned out at the moment, including the youngster filling Gudjohnsen’s empty locker at Monaco.

Park Chu-Young: better than Eidur Gudjohnsen. Not joining Spurs.

Spurs loaned in Eidur Gudjohnsen who hasn’t scored in France and was playing fifth fiddle to a bunch of youngsters and a first-choice Korean striker who has only scored 8 goals this year.  He is not the man to fire them into the Champions’ League.

Sunderland made a good deal in loaning Benjani from Man City, although the deal would have made more sense if they’d sold Kenwyne Jones and signed Benjani permanently, since they’re more or less the same player.

West Ham win the Rafa Benitez Memorial Award for Signing Players in the Positions Where They’re Needed Least.  West Ham have no problems scoring goals, Carlton Cole is apparently here to stay, Alessandro Diamanti has earned the captain’s armband, Zavon Hines has looked promising, and sadly, Dean Ashton retired.  In fact, the signings of Benni McCarthy, Ilan–a great first season in France was followed by two goals in 12 appearances so far this year (side note:  when a club is willing to tear up a player’s contract to let him move for free in the January seller’s market, shouldn’t that be a hint?)–and professional loafer Mido mean West Ham now have ten strikers on their books, although in fairness, Guille Franco isn’t very good and Freddie Sears is a child playing among men.  The real mystery is why they signed three strikers when they already had seven, rather than defenders.  West Ham are 10th in the scoring charts but are leaky at the back despite Robert Green’s sure hands.

Wigan loaned in goal-shy Bolivian striker Marcelo Moreno, who, like Jo, was loaned while on loan:  he disappointed on loan at Werder Bremen, so they sent him back to Shakhtar, who turned around and loaned him to Wigan the next day.  Moreno previously scored two goals in 14 appearances before wearing out his welcome in Donetsk.

Finally, Wolves signed no forwards, but I just wanted to note the pointlessness of signing two players on loan from Belgian club Charleroi.  Look, if they were good enough for the Premiership, Charleroi would happily sell them for a big fee.  But if they’re on loan, they’re probably not even that important at their home club.  In Belgium.